A bit about me; my name is Isabella M, I’m 21 years old and I have an insatiable love for filmmaking, creative direction, modelling, fashion, and my cat. When I was younger, sharing my problems was never an issue. I was very open as a child, but as I got older and realized the people around me wouldn’t talk about their problems... it made me feel like I was doing something wrong.
Being a kid was weird for me. From being humiliated in classrooms by teachers who didn’t understand ADHD and thought I genuinely didn’t care about learning, to being attacked in the yard after school by 3 boys from my class, the bullying I experienced when I was young cut pretty deep. On top of that, I was extremely depressed because my parents divorced when I was very, very young and they never got along. Their hatred for each other ran so deep it brought a lot of trauma early on into my life, before I could even identify what it was or how to react.
I’ve battled and continue to battle with PTSD, anxiety, ADHD, bi-polar disorder, executive dysfunction and depression, though I was unaware of most of them up until a few years ago. My PTSD is partially a result of the anxiety I experienced and never fully understood. Not taking a moment to identify my feelings and try to work through them in a proactive way not only sabotaged the way I looked at and treated myself, it affected almost every single one of my friendships. I would cry hysterically for hours, not grasping the fact that I wasn’t over-reacting to my current situation, it was more like I was reacting to past situations that forced me to feel old emotions. To this day there are people who know me or know of me that would never have guessed. Partly because for some reason, our instinct is to judge before we care. And in my case, I would have rather hid than scream my truth.
Rumors became a big deal when I started to go to an all girl’s high school. Shit can get nasty. So, the thought of people I didn’t like, trust or know becoming aware of my personal information did not sit right with me. I didn’t want anyone knowing my business, so I took it upon myself to share as little as possible. I was still loud and honest, but no one knew much about me. I took to twitter to share dark moments because my mental illness would tell me my friends didn’t want to hear it. Then I was shamed for sharing my thoughts online. I needed help and I was confused. Years later, following many friend break-ups, real break-ups, a lot of break downs and a few make-ups, I knew one thing was for certain: talking helps. Not when I spend hours finding the words, or worry about how I’m going to come across. Speaking vulnerably and honestly, with people I trust and in a way that isn’t hateful, did wonders for me. I’m more self-aware than I ever have been, more honest with the people I care about and I’m learning and improving who I am more and more every day. I still have bad days, bad weeks, moments where everything is collapsing and I’m confused and scared... But at least I’ve found ways to cope. I don’t let it break me down anymore, and I do something about it before I hit a breaking point. Most importantly, I never take anything personally.
To be honest, as much as my main point has been to “speak up”, I’m still anxious to have this published. Having that side of my life shared on social media feels weird, but I can’t say it doesn’t help. To me, what makes life so great are the abilities we have to share an experience, a connection and to help one another. I’m taking the leap in hopes that this inspires others to do the same.
Thank you for reading.
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