Page 6 ft. Jake Kenobi

My name is Jake Kenobi, I’m an Illustrator, Muralist, & Graphic Designer working under the moniker Spring Break Jake. I have an undying love for all things tropical and aim to create low-brow art with a high-brow message, spreading positivity and encouraging connection without ignoring the darker side of life.

Looking back I think my depression may have affected me much younger than I realized. The daily suicidal thoughts and eventual diagnosis didn’t occur until I was a teenager, but the hazy fog of memory loss that can often coincide with depression is very apparent when I try to think back to my earliest memories. I have a couple flashes of images from maybe preschool age, but I can’t really remember anything substantial until around 6th grade.

Part of that was also because of my home life. I still cry for my younger self sometimes. No matter how great my upbringing may seem in my fuzzy memory, the truth of the matter was that I was a sad, confused young boy who just needed to be comforted, to be told he was worthy of love. I’ve learned only recently the real effects of growing up with an alcoholic mom. It was ingrained in me from a very young age that my wants and needs came last. No matter how much my parents loved me, it was inevitable that there would be times that they needed to tend to her disease over me, regardless of how desperately two-year-old me needed their affection. Frankly, I don’t blame or resent her at all, she really is a wonderful mom who’s demons, unfortunately, continue to hurt more than herself.

My depression really took hold of me in high school. For at least three years not a single day went by where I didn’t think about suicide. Insomnia set in as well. I was getting 2-3 tumultuous hours of sleep a night which only exacerbated my depression and growing anxiety, although I didn’t even know what that was at the time. The low self-worth I learned as a child really came to fruition as well as I continued to put my wants and needs behind everything else. I told myself over and over that my problems, my thoughts, my feelings didn’t matter, especially compared to others. I became the friend people would put their problems on, not because I actually was a reliable friend, but because I was always willing to take on everyone else’s pain while burying my own further and further down. I tried therapy for about a year but could never bring myself to fully open up. The deep darkness started to clear around the middle of my senior year, but the lingering clouds have never left.

Unbeknownst to me through all this was that it ingrained in me a deep need to be seen, to be validated, and to be loved. For a while, I tried to project the image of being a successful designer. I was terrified to admit I had no clue what I was doing as I tried to copy what “real” designers were doing in the hopes that it would lead to some sort of feeling of success regardless of if it was true to myself. It wasn’t until I started looking inward and being honest on screen about how I was feeling behind the screen that things started to pick up.

Now in the present, I actually find a genuine amount of gratitude for what I’ve been through and continue to battle with. I’m managing my depression well while still battling against anxiety and low self-worth to this day, but I already feel like another piece of the weight on my shoulders was lifted off as I wrap this up. At the end of the day, my mental health struggles have made me ME. It wasn’t until I was truly hurting that it hit me; everyone is going through things we may never know about. Mental illness taught me compassion and empathy and instilled in me a desire to help others going through it as well, even if it’s just by giving them a feeling of solidarity through my art.

Before I go I just want to encourage anyone thinking about therapy to not to give up on it if the first person you see isn’t a good fit. I’ve been through a few in my life but I never felt the kind of progress and internal changes like I have recently until working with my current therapist. Feeling that strong connection with someone you’re baring your soul to really makes all the difference.

All the love,

Spring Break Jake